Mexican Lake Pirates - Arrrr you kidding me?

Last week, on a lake shared by Texas and Mexico, newlyweds were jet skiing. Disaster struck when the couple was attacked by pirates on this border lake. The husband was shot to death. His wife left him there and jet skied back to shore. A horrible tragedy. So why did I find this so funny? Am I a sick person? probably.

Apparently, Mexican lake pirates are wreaking havoc in this lake. I thought pirates were mainly found in ocean waters. The ocean provides pirates a vast expanse for quick getaways. How do lake pirates get away? do they just keep going in circles? How does one become a lake pirate? It could be a training ground for potential ocean pirates. Or maybe these are like Triple A pirates who can't make it to the big leagues among the ocean pirates. If they were comedians, they would be open mic pirates.

I imagine there is a pecking order among pirates. You don't just come out of pirate school and go directly to the ocean. You start out in a bathtub perhaps, then move up to town swimming pools, on to lake pirate before you qualify for the ocean.

Certainly, during this tragic incident, my heart goes out to the family of the killed man. But, somewhere on the not so high seas there is a ceremony going on. Lake pirates have graduated to the ocean. Two sides to every story.

In the meantime look out for those puddle pirates. They are on to bigger and badder things.

Wake me up when November ends.

I have always been somewhat of a misfit. I very rarely conform to anything considered mainstream. I don't read enough. Most of what I think is from my own gut instinct. I listen to all points of view and try very hard not to be closed minded. Many people are confused when my political opinion doesn't match my cultural preferences. Someone actually said to me "how can you have such good tastes in music and have such abhorrent political views?" I guess I didn't get the rule book. So, if I like music and the arts I am supposed to be a liberal? What other rules have I missed? If I am conservative does it mean I should like the corporate NY Yankees and not the poverty stricken NY Mets? For lunch do I have to eat at the home of the right wing bible thumping zealots at Kentucky Fried Chicken or the tree hugging pinko commies at Panera Bread? Must all my life choices be connected to my political affiliation?

If I disagree with President Obama should I take my guns to town with my Bible and start converting the masses as they leave Target?

Barack Obama was an historical choice for president and he spoke a lot about finding that common ground, yet lately he spends more time pointing at the people standing in the way of his so called progress. He seems to be encouraging this concept of "taking sides". He called on the tea party to come up with an idea. Again, it's "us vs them." Now, I don't dislike the president but I disagree with many of his policies. Whenever I talk to someone about politics and tell them my view they immediately tell me to stop watching FOX and don't listen to Rush Limbaugh. Why do they make this assumption? I listen closely to the President himself. I am not so stupid that I believe that FOX is reporting the truth. I know they have an agenda. So does MSNBC, Keith Obermann and Bill Maher. I am not interested in listening to anyone with only one opinion.

Recently I have been watching The Daily Show. Jon Stewart is entertaining and clever and I thought he played both angles. It's a disguise. I'll tell you why.

Jon Stewart could be the smartest guy on television. He is putting together a rally called "Rally to restore Sanity". He said something very truthful. "Just because I don't like your policies doesn't mean I think you are Hitler", referring to the President. A very profound statement. However it is riddled with hypocrisy. Isn't this the same Jon Stewart who has made a living of poking fun of people? He is a political comedian. Name calling is his job.

As we get closer to election day I am watching the battle unfold. The democratic party decided to go with a couple of slogans "you may hate us, but they are worse" and "don't give them the keys back." These campaigns do not motivate me to vote for a democrat. How about telling me what YOU are going to do? The right is not any better by pulling the same old fear train into the station. The "grass roots" movement of the tea party is the same old political trickery that got Obama elected. I think their slogan should be "We won't get fooled again". But I fear we will, no matter who gets in. Is it the same old story of vote for the lesser of two evils? Don't "we the people" deserve more than that?

As we move closer to election day I fear I may do the same thing I have done in many years past.

Stay home.

(Feel free to leave a comment below..I would love to hear what you think..as long as it's the same as what I think)

No way out...

It’s Friday night on January 5th. Icy rain is sandblasting my windshield and my gas guzzling SUV is losing a pitched battle with the wind. I can’t see a damn thing due to night blindness, one of the many reminders of growing older. My eyesight has sucked since the fifth grade, but now it has reached a new level of inconvenience. I can’t even see the damn street signs because some brilliant bureaucracy out here in the boondocks of Suffolk County thought it a good idea to build a winding road with no street lights. It was the perfect storm for a nervous 47 year old man with night blindness.

My knuckles have turned an invisible shade of white from gripping the steering wheel. Wait a second. Is this the place? Valencia Restaurant? Yep! Okay, now where the hell is the parking? Bang! “Oh shit!” I exclaim, as a pot hole smashes the bottom of my car. Can this get any more annoying? Okay, I’m finally here. What time is it? I have 40 minutes before the show. Now what? It’s probably time to go in to let them know I am here.
Where is here? Well, I am at a gig. I am an accountant, white male, married, and living in suburbia. I am also a stand-up comedian at night. My wife calls this my mid-life crisis and she hoped it would have gone away five years ago, but obviously, it hasn’t. I hate the term mid-life crisis. A “crisis” is when you leave your wife and kids, buy a red Corvette and date a 21 year old blonde. But that’s ridiculous. Where am I going to find a 21 year old blonde?

I open the back door of the Van/SUV crossover piece of crap to take out my equipment. This is a gig I got on my own. I waited a month and a half for it to get here. I wasn’t planning on the weather, but 25 inches of snow wouldn’t have prevented me from getting here. Well, I would have at least tried. I found my passion and am following a dream. So what if it happened late in life? Does it really have to be a mid life crisis? I’d prefer to call it my mid life awakening.

My heart is pounding as I remove the Fender sound system from the car. Let’s see, I have the bag full of wires, the microphones, and the stand. I am ready. The ice stings as it hits my face while I walk towards the door. Plop! Shit! Damn it!, I just stepped into a pot hole filled with icy water. The same damned pothole that just destroyed my car’s suspension got me twice Son of a bitch! I have some time for it to dry. Holding the equipment, the bag and the mic stand all in one hand, I reach for the door handle and manage to step inside without dropping anything. I made it. I’m here.

It’s a nice place. As I move to the front area, a pretty young girl with blonde hair approaches me. “Can I help you?” “Yes” I say, “I am looking for the IMG Network party?” “Oh, they are upstairs”, she replied. “Okay, thanks”, as I make my way upstairs to a room filled with a noisy crowd of about 23 people. From what I can see, it’s mostly men in their 40’s wearing neckties and drinking. The waitress is bringing them huge plates of spaghetti and chicken parmagiana and perhaps some eggplant. I look around for a familiar face and discovered Larry. Larry hired me for this gig. He had seen me perform at a fundraiser a few months back and took my card. Out of nowhere he calls and asks if I would like to perform at their Christmas party on January 5th. My first thought was to wonder what kind of idiot has a Christmas party on January 5th? Of course I took the gig. It was $200 bucks for just me and my sound equipment for a 30 minute performance and was fairly close to home.

Larry sees me and comes over. “Hey Stevie, good to see you. Want something to eat?” I never eat right before a show. My stomach is too worked up to think about eating. “No, thanks, I’m good”, I answered. Larry blurts back, “Are you sure? Plenty of food here”. “No”, I said, “Just water would be fine, lots of water” The one thing that happens to me on a consistent basis is I become extremely thirsty before I go up. I read somewhere that this is a form of stage fright. But, I never feel fear before I go up. People always ask if I am nervous. I wouldn’t call it nervous. Perhaps excited, euphoric, energized, and very thirsty, but never nervous. Larry points me to the waitress. She comes over She asks, “Can I get you something?” My response?, “Water”.

My equipment is set up and ready to go and I still have about 30 minutes. The food is just being served. One lesson in comedy is to always wait until they are done eating. Stand-up doesn’t go well with chewing jaws and clanking silverware, not to mention the sensory pleasure derived from mounds of spaghetti. For comedy to work requires the complete undivided attention of the audience. Musicians have it easy. Nobody has to listen to them at a performance. They just play to the background. But the comedian must command attention. Sometimes, this is a bad thing. Little did I know, this was going to be one of those”sometimes”.

I spend the next 29 minutes outside of the room, pacing, walking downstairs, and looking out the window at the weather. I assure various waitresses, hostesses and bus boys that I don’t need anything. The moments before showtime for a performer goes slowly. It creeps along and, as much as I love this, I can’t wait for it to be over. I try to go through my routine in my head, but everything that could possibly distract me comes to mind. I can’t concentrate at times like this. All I can do is wait, look at my watch every thirty seconds and pace. The sound system is set up and ready to go. It has been for the past ten minutes, yet I continue to check it. I look again in the room to find them talking, laughing and eating. Still eating. Why are they so slow? When is the best time to start? Okay, I’ll give it another five minutes. Pace, look at the watch, drink water, pee, pace, look at the watch, water, one more peek at the watch. Okay. It’s time. I call out softly, “Larry?,Larry?, five minutes, okay?” As Larry approaches me he responds,” You got it Stevie”. I remind him, “Okay, Larry, now you need to introduce me, here is my intro”. I always prepare a brief bio of my recent accomplishments and try to exaggerate my sky rocketing career. It’s all in the presentation. People buy into presentations. At least, I think they do.

Larry approaches the mic like a true amateur. Shouting and spitting into he says “Okay, listen up people”. The crowd snickers and yells out, “Tell us a joke Larry”, “You’re not the comedian”, “Sit down fat ass”. I get a sense this could be a rough crowd. I don’t see much alcohol but they sound a little on the rowdy side. Little did I know.

“Okay, here is a guy who is very funny. He was on Comedy Central, David Letterman, and performed with Wayne Newton in Vegas”. Wait, what? What the hell is Larry saying? I didn’t tell him to…. “He makes Andrew Dice Clay look like an altar boy”. What? no I don’t, why is he doing this? “The Funniest comedian on the planet, Stevie GeeBee”. Now, I never told Larry, that fat assed idiot, to say comedian. I have actually been using a moniker of “World’s Funniest Accountant” because I am an accountant and it seemed funny to people that an accountant would do stand up comedy. Larry just over sold me. Now the presentation was much bigger than the show I planned. How do I live up to this? At this point, I have no choice. I’m up.

Now I know what a Christian felt like at the Coliseum in ancient Rome. What ensued was the closest I have ever been to a slaughter. I have never been so heckled, so berated, so humiliated in my life and that includes my wedding day. After about a minute and a half I knew I was in trouble and I had 28 and a half minutes to go. They stepped on every punch line. They yelled back and forth to each other. Called me Pee Wee Herman, Harry Potter’s retarded brother, and geek boy. My entire school boy childhood flashed before my eyes. I was in the sandbox being hit on the head with a shovel by Georgie Ryan. I was being towel whipped in the gym locker room by Richie Cherubini. I was taking a math test in my underwear. I was in hell. Hell that went on for about twelve more excruciating minutes. Finally, I bailed. I broke down. I couldn’t go on. I stopped. Put the mic back in the stand, said good night and turned to pack up my equipment. I was done with these assholes. So what if I never get paid, I just wanted out of there. My heart was pounding inside my chest. Sweating and shaking, I thought for sure this could be it. I was going to die on stage, and then die for real. Die with a bunch of assholes laughing at me as I fall to the ground. Hey, at least they would be laughing.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see fat ass Larry coming towards me, laughing and saying, “Stevie, Stevie, great job man, great job”. I was confused, to say the least. “Great job? What the hell”. “Yea man”, he says with little bubbles of spit coming out of his blubbery mouth. He screamed, “We decided to hire a comedian and bust his balls. You took it well. Great job”. Then he gave me 300 bucks. I said, “Thought it was only 200”. He said, “No man, you earned it, good job”. Then he asked, “Can you come back next year?” I took his money, slipped it into my pocket and felt the urge to tell him to go fuck himself. But all that came out of my mouth was “Sure, give me a call”.

That was when I realized, I can never stop doing this.

Three Cheers For Captain Sully...

This is Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger. This man was the pilot of US Airways flight 1549. If you don't know this story you have been living in a cave somewhere. This is the plane that landed in the Hudson river in New York City and all the passengers survived due to the courage of this man and the crew. I have heard this story for weeks, but not until yesterday did it really affect me. I watched Mayor Mike Bloomberg give the key to the city to Sully and the crew of the famous flight. Sully went to the microphone and said "This is not about me, this is about the crew". Excuse me? As much as I appreciate what he says here, this is surely not the case. Sully was flying the plane. When he realized the engines were destroyed by a flock of Canadian geese (damn Canadians), he radioed the tower. The air traffic controllers told him to return to the airport. He knew that if he did what they suggested he would have landed on a hard surface, maybe even into a building. He chose the Hudson River. He made an unbelievable landing on water. Personally, I think it's because the Hudson is filled with garbage and bodies of mafiosos. I would not be surprised if he landed on Jimmy Hoffa.

How often do we get an opportunity to claim that we saved someones life? This guy can claim to save 155 lives, but it doesn't end there. What if he did what the air traffic controllers said to do? How many more lives did he save?

It's exponential.

I elect Sully, the hero of the decade.

Other Sully's include:

Sully, from the Pixar film - Monsters Inc.

Biff and SULLY, the construction workers on Sesame Street. I think Sully was the one with the orange bumper cap.

Anyway...I just wanted to share this story. It brought tears to my eyes. It's just awesome.

Sully Rocks.

A long long time ago I can still remember...

It's the 50 year anniversary of the day the music died, according to Don McClean's classic "American Pie". American Pie was the name of the plane that crashed at 1:00am February 3, 1959 killing Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and Jiles Perry Richardson Jr (otherwise known as The Big Bopper). The last concert took place at the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake, Iowa. Every year on this date, the venue pays tribute to that fatal day by staging a concert honoring the memory of these three. This year, Jerry Allison, one of the original Crickets (Buddy's band) will be in attendance.

I have always been a Buddy Holly fan. He was a brilliant songwriter and the first to produce his own records in a small studio in Lubbock Texas. His work inspired The Beatles, so much that Paul McCartney eventually bought the rights to all of Buddy Holly's music. He was a true innovator and all he ever wanted to be was "as good as" Elvis Presley. In my humble opinion, he was better than Elvis. It's hard to say how much more he had to contribute. He died so young and so early in his career. He crossed genres of music from country to rockabilly seamlessly. His songs have been covered by everyone from Blind Faith, The Rolling Stones, Blondie, Elvis Costello, James Taylor, The Lemonheads, Santana, Linda Ronstadt and of course, The Beatles. He was immortalized in a movie called The Buddy Holly Story and played by Gary Busey. The Buddy Holly Story also appeared on Broadway. His legacy lives on.

Richie Valens was a one-hit wonder with La Bamba. He was an inspiration to all Latin artists being the first of his race to succeed in the rock n roll forum. Carlos Santana has credited Valens for inspiring him to record. You may remember a movie about Valens called "La Bamba" starring Lou Diamond Phillips. Not one of the better biopics, but then again most biopics are god awful (IMHO).

Big Bopper had that booming voice you heard on his hit "Chantilly Lace". There has yet to be a movie about JP. He was a DJ and this was his only hit. Apparently, at the time of this tragic event, Chantilly Lace was the biggest song out at the time and many in attendance were there to see Big Bopper.

I love this music. I was not around when this music was new as I am a product of the 70's. I listen to a lot of doo-wop and 50's music today and it brings me back to an innocent time that I was never a part of. Music has a way of only showing us the good times. The 50's were probably one of the most socially repressive eras in American History, but the music was fresh and exciting. Gotta love that devil music.

So, bye bye Miss American Pie. Bye Bye Buddy, Richie and Big Bopper. You will always be remembered for paving the way for some of the greatest music to ever hit my ears.

Dream a little dream...

Something special occurred on Thursday, January 22nd at McGuires Comedy Club in Bohemia. During a week when the key word was Inaugural, I, The self proclaimed, World’s Funniest Accountant presented an inaugural event of my own. The Stevie GB GREAT BIG Variety Show. Without prior rehearsals, the show was here. I hadn’t even met some of the acts on the show. I had no idea how many people were really going to show up. I arrive at 7pm to an empty comedy club. Showtime is 8pm. I was told that the only reserved group was a bachelorette party of 10 for dinner at 6:30. They did not confirm and it appeared as if they were no-shows. I struggled through the past three weeks to get people to come to the show. The numbers went from about 15 down to about 10. This was looking grim. I was lucky to have a show for ten people, or maybe even less.

Suddenly at about 7:15, some of the acts were arriving. A few of them brought friends and family with them. Now I am nearing the 10 people mark. I feel a little better, but not much. I notice, eating dinner in the corner booth a couple calling me over. It was Lois and Eddie. I worked with Lois two jobs ago. I told her about the show and she said she would be in Atlantic City. They rescheduled their trip to come to my show. I was thrilled. Things are looking better. I hang by the front door to see more familiar faces. A group of people I worked with at my last job show up. I had no idea. Another 5. Then three more I was not expecting. Then another 6. Then my sister, Diana with three friends. WOW. I have a show. By the time the show went off, I broke 50 people. A huge sigh of relief. This is the hardest part of showbiz. Getting people interested enough to come out and spend money on a weeknight in a bad economy. It’s a struggle.

My concept of a variety show has been in my head for years. I wanted to create a show with different acts of local performers who have regular jobs during the day and have this passion of performing inside them. A passion that cannot be ignored and is so rarely exposed to the general public. It’s hard to find venues and producers who are willing to give people a chance to develop an act. I wanted to do that. I started to get a feeling that this was going to be a special night. It was.

I hit the stage with all the enthusiasm I could muster to get this crowd ready for a mid week show I ran through my best bits in ten minutes and got them warmed up. It was time for the next act.

A musical duo from DA BRONX… A married couple, known as Joyful Noise – Charlie and Marie – right out of the 50’s They came up to the song Grease. I was the sound tech. I screwed up a few times, but I like to think that mistakes add spontaneity and charm to the show. (good one huh?) They did a couple of songs with some married couple bickering's scattered in between as part of the act. They were cute and fun. A good start.


Next up. I explained to the crowd that I wanted to do more than just present local talent. I want to give brand new acts a shot. It’s so hard for them to get noticed. I brought up a new guy named Adam Mancuso. He did five minutes and had a few tough spots, but he is growing. I like this kid. I see something there. He just needs to keep at it.

Now, the show is ready for something special. Lois Morton is one of the most original acts I have seen. An older woman (as she says..”I’ll never see 50 again, but it’s never too late”) She writes her own songs and plays this little casio keyboard. She sang a song about being a clutterholic. It literally brought the house down. Clever, hilarious and the audience fell in love with little Lois. She did another song about cell phones that killed. She wanted to leave, but I convinced her, along with the audience to do one more. She finished with a brilliant little ditty about side effects of medication.

See Saw comedy is an improv group, along the lines of Who’s Line Is It Anyway”. They came up and did three sketches. I would say the audience reaction was kind of like a see saw. Maybe, Lois is too tough to follow. Quite possible.




Andy Hayward, a comic from New Jersey, came up next. His material was very personal and hit home. He did very well. The coolest part is he brought a celebrity with him.
Gerry Cooney, a famous boxer is a friend of Andy’s and came to the show. He loved it all. He said the show was a knock out.

Here he is knocking me out..



Harry Mandel, magician and illusionist was next. He entertained the audience with some clever tricks and even got the audience involved. This show was flowing.





Last, but certainly not least, was Sparky. I cannot describe Sparky. I introduced him as an act that is the culmination of everything you have seen tonight. Sparky sings, plays guitar, does song parodies with some stand-up sprinkled in between. All in an original style that must be seen. Once you see Sparky, you are a fan. His endearing, yet peculiar, personality left the audience rapt in attention.




At the end of the night, the owner was happy and agreed to make this a regular event. I will be producing this show the last Thursday of each month. I will repeat some acts, but always feature something new and unusual. Next show is Thursday February 26th.

My ultimate goal is to expand this show to other places on Long Island, then other states, then onto the vast wasteland that is television. Hey, If Brett Michaels Rock Of Love Bus Tour can get on TV, then I can. How about Stevie GB gives the heebiegeebies rock of love smart car tour.

Since I have been inspired by President Obama, let me put it this way – “If I can make one person laugh, I can make a whole room laugh. If I can make a whole room laugh, I can make a town laugh, If I can make a town laugh I can make a city laugh. If I can make a city laugh I can make a nation laugh. If I can make a nation laugh I can make the world laugh….Jokes we can believe in.”

God Bless America...

As a staunch conservative and admitted liberal hater, I was a huge critic of Obama during the election.

Today, I am proud to be an American.

If you are a liberal friend of mine, this is not the time to say"I told you so". Save your gloating. I didn't say a word while you were bashng our last president on a daily basis. I held my tongue while celebrities spouted "he is not my president" and used award shows as a platform to announce their hatred of America. Some moved to England, only to return for the premiere of their movie. I guess they had no problem taking a paycheck from the country they hated.

What I am saying is he said some things that were different from the usual lipservice we receive from politicians. He talked about core values, the plight of our forefathers, the courage of our soldiers, the reason we are the greatest nation on earth and our need to lead by truth and not fear. Gee, these sound like pretty "conservative" values. Even though those words were spoken before by past presidents, I felt like he really meant it.

More importantly, seeing the amount of people in attendance and watching the children listen to every word gave me hope that people will take part in our future. Obama is not a God. He is not the messiah. He is just a man. A politician, which is not an admirable profession in my book.

However, he did something today that really mattered. He inspired. He inspired me. He inspired the children, who are our leaders of tomorrow. He restored faith in the future for millions. He proved that we do not have to be victims of our circumstances, but masters of our own destiny. He gave people courage, hope and pride. it was HUGE...

His speech was a major blow for radical terrorism. His success is proof that America is the land of opportunity - it really is.

For that - I applaud Barack Obama. For that - I am proud to say - he is my president.

He is OUR president.

I am on board.

Highlights of Obama's speech:

"To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy."

"To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history, but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."

"What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility, a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task."

Well done sir - well done...

God Bless America

It's a Mall world after all...

I recently found myself wandering aimlessly around the Smithhaven Mall out here in glorious Suffolk County.





Here are some observations:

I went to the rest room because I am old and I pee all the time. I was washing my hands and I saw a young guy come out of the stall and just walk out without washing his hands. Out of THE STALL.

When I left, I noticed him walking with his girlfriend - HOLDING HER HAND !!. I guess love is not only blind, but it apparently has no sense of smell. I see a case of e-coli in that couple's future.

The security guards ride around in motorized scooters. How cool is that job? There is a movie coming out about these guys. I features Kevin James, a Long Islander who grew up close to the mall I was walking around in.



All the benches were filled with men, waiting for their significant others, who look like they are on death row. One guy was crying. I asked him what was wrong. He said "she is never coming out". I felt really bad for him. I bought him a Godiva chocolate bar. I went to give it to him and he told me to go to hell.

Here is a question:

Why can't the mall have rules like the rules of the road. I think people should only walk one way on each side. Those security guards can pull people over for walking on the wrong side of the mall. It would prevent people from walking into you. Why do I always have to move? If I just walked straight, I would ram into everyone.

Now they have TV screens in the mall as you walk through. I was watching a live concert featuring some kids group called The Doodlebops?? I gotta tell ya...They freaking ROCK. I went into FYE and bought the entire catalog of CD's.





Did I mention I smoked some weed before I got to the mall?

HEY..don't judge me.
(actually, I was kidding). If I smoked weed, I would still be on line at Cinnabon.

I hate the mall.

I can't wait to go back.

Dead Mail...

A morbid thought occured to me today.

When everyone in the current generation grows old and starts dying we will leave behind our e-mail addresses, websites, my space and facebook pages, etc. There will be so many things available to remember us by. Is this a good thing? I don't know.

Kind of eerie to think you can e-mail someone who has died and they will never open it.

If you leave comments on their page would they be memorials, or never appear because they need to be approved?

Think of the size of your spam box after you are dead twenty years. Would you still be offered low interest mortgages, penis enlargement creams, or hot dates from horny housewives?

Will your account eventually cease to exist?

Is this something to think about while making out your last will and testament?

Should cyber planning be a part of our living wills? "Should I become incompacitated, pull the plug, and here is a list of passwords to keep my legacy going through cyberspace.

Sick? or a great way to remember someone?

Maybe our website address should be on our tombstone.

Here Lies
Stevie GB
www.steviegb.com, or www.myspace.com/funnyaccountant

How many people would e-mail me after I die? Imagine that? What would you ask?

Hey Stevie, how's death?

Would you check it each day, just to see if I answer from beyond?

Imagine if you got an answer?

Re: hey stevie how's death

would you open it?

I would.

Variety - the spice of life...

Comedian and World’s Funniest Accountant Stevie G.B Brings His "Great BIG Variety Show" to McGuires in Bohemia - Thursday January 22nd

The self proclaimed "World’s Funniest Accountant", Stevie G.B announced today that his next Great BIG Variety show will be held on Thursday January 22nd at McGuires Comedy Club in Bohemia. The event begins at 8pm and features the laugh till you cry comedy stylings of the aforementioned Stevie G.B, plus some of Long Island’s most unusual talent including Lois Morton, Harry Mandel, Sparky, SeeSaw Improv, Adam Mancuso & Joyful Noize.

Past performances by Stevie G.B have netted him this great praise such as "His act mainly consisted of his providing dry, observational humor including commercials on News 12 Long Island. Very funny material" (Perpetual Toxins magazine)

"Stevie’s clever juxtapositions left the crowd of over 280 rolling in the aisles. Our BEST Corporate event. We highly reccommend him" (Hauppauge Industrial Assoc)

Come see what the buzz is all about on this one night only engagement!!

Don’t forget to check http://www.steviegb.com/ for regular updates.

========DETAILS:========
Thursday January 22nd

Stevie G.B’s Great BIG Variety Show

@ McGuires Comedy Club

http://www.mcguirescomedyshows.com/

1627 Smithtown Ave (Corner of Smithtown Ave and Vets Hwy)

Bohemia, NY

631-467-5413

$10 admission/all ages/8pm showtime

Featuring Stand-up comedy from:Stevie G.B. "The World’s Funniest Accountant"
Plus some of Long Island’s most unusual talent:Lois Morton, Harry Mandel, Sparky, SeeSaw Improv, Adam Mancuso & Joyful Noize

ABOUT STEVIE GB:

Winner of the Audience Choice award at the 2006 Huntington Arts Council Laff-Off, he has also been featured on News12 Long Island, and has been seen on The Long Island Comedy Festival. Stevie GB has a unique approach to Comedy; it involves how we deal with everyday life, from working for a living to voice mail, HMO’s, married life and living on Long Island. Stevie is also a champion for local causes on Long Island having already played events for Breast Cancer Help, American Diabetes Assoc, Leukemia Lymphoma Foundation, Long Island Cares, Kent Animal Shelter, Cat Rescue Organization, American Cancer Society, Teddy Fund, Avalon Gardens Nursing Home, The Arbors Assisted Living, Rotary Clubs and several Firehouse fundraisers.

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For public relations requests please contact:Rick Eberle PopCore Entertainment516-729-6872 cell rick@popcore.net

Whatever Stevie wants...

With every new year the talk is about resolutions. I don't have any bad habits, like smoking or drinking, that I want to break. I have no need to go on a diet. I could vow to be nicer to people, but why should I.

So, I decided, let GOOGLE tell me what I should do. What are my wants and needs for 2009? Mostly, what do I deserve for 2009.

Tell me GOOGLE:

What does Stevie want?

Stevie wants her MTV (why do I think they are talking about Stevie Nicks here?)
Stevie wants a freeway (yeah, running through my living room)
Stevie wants me to beat up a kid (not me..I'm a lover, not a fighter)

ok...so what does Stevie really need?

Steve REALLY needs a NAP (always true)
Steve really needs to learn how to use the tag and description features of Jyte (?)
Stevie needs very special, preferably quiet home with no young children or dogs(how do they know?)

Fine, but what does Stevie deserve?

Stevie deserves better (I agree)
Stevie deserves run at the captaincy. (sure, why not)
Stevie deserves to be inducted as a solo artist (Stevie Nicks again, but I'll take it)

Well, that was a useless exercise.

If I ever come up with some real resolutions, I will let you know. For now, Google has not served me well, except for the nap. I do feel tired right now.

The dudes you abuse on the way up...you might meet up on the way down...

Being a comedian, I obviously meet a lot of comedians. I find it interesting how many of them are arrogant, obnoxious,conceited, jackasses.

They drop names and brag about what they are doing and how funny they are. They talk smack about other comics, sometimes ones in the same room. This is a common problem and I find it very interesting. I come to the show to do one thing. Try my best to succeed on stage and entertain the people who paid good money to see a good show. That is the purpose for what I do. That is the job description. When other comics approach me and ask what I have been doing, I usually respond vaguely with an answer like "I've been around, doing this and that". First of all, they don't really care what I have been up to. They are hungry stage whores looking for gigs. The better I get, the more they hate me. The jealousy among comics is fierce and ridiculous. I am way too old for this kind of nonsensical behavior. Don't get me wrong, there are a handful of fellow comics that I genuinely like and will talk to on a personal level. Unfortunately, it's only a few.

The arrogance seems to be most common in young comics. Guys and gals who have only been at it for a short time (less than two years). They seem to feel it necessary to tell everyone about all the success they are having and how freaking hilarious they are. I always make it a point to watch these types on stage. 99.9% of the time they are awful and unpolished. 100% of the time they come off stage and blame the audience for their lack of delivering a good set.

The other thing I don't get is don't they realize that when they build themselves up so much before a show, they raise the expectations of the booker watching them to an unattainable level?

They always fall short and eventually, this attitude will kill any hopes of a career in business that is so difficult to succeed in.

I come in, very unassuming without any snooty airs and go up and do my thing. What I say before a show means nothing. It's what I do on stage that matters. I can't speak for my act. My act has to speak for itself. If it doesn't, then I have to fix it. I have to get better. No excuses.

If a comedian, or any entertainer thinks he is good enough, then he will never get better. He will slowly fade away.

BOB DYLAN even admitted in a recent interview that he is not happy with some of his output. He said something that really stuck with me. "A true artist is never satisfied, he is always in the state of becoming" BRILLIANT words.

I book a few shows on my own and I use comedians that are good at what they do, but most importantly, I avoid these arrogant idiots. I wonder how many other bookers, or potential future bookers they turn off with this behavior? A lot. Like any business, this is about relationships. Bookers and agents don't remember who was funny, but who was difficult to work with. It's a very small circle and they all talk to eachother. Why make it harder than it already is?

Will they ever learn?

I think it's a mental problem. Like any person with this kind of problem, they have to admit it exists first. So, new comics out there. Stop and listen to yourself before you develop diarrhea of the mouth. The only person that you need to impress is yourself. Once you do that, and it takes years, your confidence will show through your actions, not your words. See you at the clubs, hopefully a little more humble this time.

Ring out the old, ring in the new...

Well, here we are again. Another new year. I am not sorry to see 2008 go. It was quite a bad year for me on a personal level, and it seems as if I am not alone. I am going to give you my opinion of the best and worst of the year. The winners and losers and my thoughts of 2009.

First, the winners:

I still can't believe the NY Giants beat The Patriots. That was a great way to start the year. I also can't believe the NY Mets collapsed for the third year in a row, but I have to hand it to The Phillies. They proved their worth. Michael Phelps made me like swimming.

Way to go all. What an inspiring year in sports.

Speaking of inspiration. Like him or not, the man of the year has to be the one and only Barack Obama. I have to admit, I was a little afraid of him for a while and was pretty outspoken about it. However, I applaud his tenacity, grit and focus. He deserved it. In a few months a lot of people will be asking only one thing of Obama.

HEY, where is my check?

Now, the losers..and there were many:

Rosie O'Donnell tried a variety show. Kerplop!! I couldn't be happier. I don't hope people fail, but I am not a fan of Rosie. She is an arrogant bully and a joke thief. Karma sucks.

Ron B-LEGO-jevich, Governor of Illinois. I don't care if they haven't proven his guilt yet. He has lego man hair. Look at him.
LOSER!!

Biggest pair of losers goes to this team. I have never seen a more botched campaign than this one. History may be kind to them when people look back and realize what the media did to these two. It was ruthless. I have never seen such a display of character assassination. Some say it was justified, but I am not so sure. However, the big bad press and SNL skits did not lose them the election. Obama won. End of story.

I am not a George Bush fan, but the days of making the president a punching bag are over. Bush has been blamed for everything. Some of it, deservedly so, but I think it got a little out of control. I sincerely doubt anyone will be beating up Obama, except maybe the folks on FOX. What will Jay Leno and Letterman talk about every night? Let's hope Obama moves us forward and doesn't fall into the "the last guy did it" trap. I hope so.

The biggest loser of the year?

Unemployment rates rising. Stocks dropping. Prices rising. Bankruptcies. How could WE not be the biggest losers of 2008?

AND NOW:

The BEST of the year:

Album of the year. One you probably never heard, but should. Brian Wilson - Beach Boy, genius, legend. Brian released an album called Lucky Old Sun. It's sort of a concept album and mostly autobiographical. This is a guy who had several nervous breakdowns and literally spent three years in bed. He was as crazy as crazy gets. Now, he has made one of the biggest comebacks in history. If that isn't inspirational, I don't know what is. This album is so wonderful. It's brilliant pop melodies took me away from the horrors of the news this year. Take a chance on this one. It's worth it.

My OSCAR pick for the best movie of the year:

MILK. I forgot to mention in my list of losers of the year. The gay community. The proposition 8 vote banned gay marriage. Bad year for gay rights. This movie is about Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to hold a political office. I have not seen the movie yet, but trust me, it's going to win big this year. Kind of a pity win for the gays, but still a good movie to be inspired by.

Although I hate to admit I watch television,
Best TV show of the year:
Fringe. Tuesdays at 9pm. It's the only thing that I don't fall asleep while watching. Although it doesn't fit in with my "inspirational" theme here, its just a great show. Check it out. It's worth it.

A lot of people died this year. Heath Ledger, Paul Newman, Charlton Heston, Harvey Korman, Roy Scheider, Tim Russert, Eartha Kitt, Odetta, Yves Saint Laurent, Bo Diddley. many more.

But, for me, the biggest loss on a personal level was this guy:
Genius. Innovator. Inspirational. More than just a guy who said dirty words.







So, what will 2009 look like?

More deaths, more headlines. More bad news about the economy.
One thing is for sure, Barack Obama will be tested. Hopefully we will escape any horrible incidents. The economy is the big issue. Obama's big idea for restoring the economy is to work on the infrastructure. The roadways and highways. This is not a new idea. FDR did the same thing.

It's a good idea. I may never recover the losses in my 401k, or feel secure at my job, or be able to recoup the value of my house but at least there will be less potholes.

So what will 2009 look like?

Something like this:

Good luck !!

Happy New Year !!